Monday, August 20, 2012

NFL Preseason: Avoid at All Cost

I enjoy the NFL. I follow the NFL. The NFL is great.

The NFL also has a huge scam going on the with fans. It's called the preseason. It's the worst excuse for football that is put out for public consumption. A bunch of 6-year-olds playing flag football is better.

From what I hear, some people actually watched the first NFL preseason game, the Hall of Fame Game. I'm sad for those people. For the rest of us, here's all you need to know to get you through until the real games begin.
What to look for: An escape. A back door.Plausible deniability. A conveniently timed illness. A sudden urge to take up hot yoga. A neglected dog to walk. A "CSI" marathon. Anything.
How to interpret what you see: You cannot. Because if you were smart, you didn't see a thing. If you did happen to see anything, it means nothing to the average fan. It's all evaluations for who gets the 53rd roster spot.
What to take from the final score: Nothing. The final score means nothing. Preseason records mean nothing. You shouldn't even care.
How to avoid watching: Take an interest in MLB baseball, ATP and WTA tennis, mow the lawn, clean the house, go out for dinner, play with the kids, take in a movie, wash your hair, read a book, anything. As a sports fan, I immerse myself in the pennant races that are heating up in MLB, the tennis tournaments leading up to the US Open and the US Open itself. There's also golf, which is really good if you need a nap. 
What to do if it seems like viewing is imminent: Immediately find a sharp pointy object and stab yourself in the hand, skillfully avoiding any nerves, tendons and ligaments. Make sure it requires stitches so a trip to the ER is unavoidable.

See you in September.

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